LIVING IN ITALY

My day starts slow. Double cappuccino. Rarely breakfast. Sit with the cats. It’s hot already- so I shut the shutters- because the morning sun is poring in and making my room hot.

I usually have a script or two to read. Depending on the heat, or my mood, or whatever- sometimes I’ll stay at home, lounge on the bed with the cats, or sometimes I’ll go out and read. Sometimes I go to villa borghese or villa pamphili. Some times I read at a pub or café.. but not usually in the morning hours. Often I stay at home. Read for 3 or 4 hours. Sometimes I write, look things up in the internet, email… draw.

I never have anywhere to be until 4 pm. So my days are my own… sprinkled with errands, reading… whatever. I spend almost everyday by myself.

At 3:45 I go to work. I ride my baby blue Vespa, Luigi to and from the office. I work behind the villa borghese. Sometimes I like to cut thru the park on my way. It’s illegal to ride a scooter thru there- taxi’s only. But it’s so beautiful, and it always smells so pretty, and people are just happier in a park. Some days I risk it.

Driving to and from work are the highlight of my day. When I am riding Luigi I am complete anonymous. There is no way to tell I am un staneri. (Foreigner). I look, drive and speed like a local. I swerve and jab- zoom thru traffic. Barely stop at lights- NEVER put my feet on the ground… it is bliss.

Work is a funny place. There are 4 people in the office. Christina- the woman I see most. I work in her office- the receptionist room. I help her answer the phone when she is on it, I open the door for people… she is Roman, and now that I work there- her English is fucking good. She is the first Italian woman under 35 who has been nice to me. And I like her a lot. Most days at work I write my coverage’s from the scripts I have read… sometimes I read in the office. Christina leaves me alone when I read, I don’t have to answer the phone or talk to her, I put my ipod on and see how fast I can get thru a script. She’s been timing me. I’m getting faster.

Faruk is my boss. He is Turkish and really nice. He is funny, handsome, charming, smart, and has excellent taste. (and really amazing art in his office- including an original Monet, two Warhol’s, a Chagall and a sketch from the school of Michelangelo…it’s intense). Then there is Massimo- still can’t figure out what he does. And Teng. Teng is Chinese, and as far as I have gathered, Faruk and him are old friends, and Faruk just lets him use the office for his fashion business in Hong Kong.

I don’t have to go to the office if I don’t want- but I enjoy it, plus it gives some structure to my day.

This will be my last week of work for a while- we are closed most of August. I have decided to go back to Italian school. So it won’t really be like I am off. I am just exchanging one daily project with another.

At 8 pm I get off work. I’m usually hungry. Sometimes I go home a cook something, Sometimes I treat myself and eat out. Sometimes I pick something little up and go down to Finnegan’s, my local pub and see if I know anyone in there. I almost always do. The thing about an ex-pat small nit English speaking community in a foreign city- is you tend to stick together. This bar is our living room, it is where we watch TV, and listen to music together. It is where we play pool and laugh.

A few months ago I didn’t understand the pub thing. I went there and got drunk. Didn’t realize yet that the alcohol is a total secondary thing at the pub. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice that it’s there- but it is hardly the root cause of why we, and I go there. At least, not anymore.

I pull up on my Vespa, and there is a group sitting out front. Zoe and Suzie yell in unison “Yeaaaa, Chase!!!” They make me feel nice. They like me. And finally, after 7 months I’ve realized, I like them too. They are great. Then we sit around and tell some crap story. Talk about some bullshit or another. It’s the same core crew, give or take a few. People come thru all the time… transients, temps. Giles is here just for 6 weeks. He works for the Canadian embassy. He is smart and funny. And I get to talk international politics with him. Hugh was here for 3 months. He’s gone now. Hannah has left too, so has Damaris. Suzie and Tony are moving to Sardinia. But not for a year. There is always a feeling of the temporary here. We are always aware that this ride is short, and everyday we just try to stay on for as long as we can. None of us are from this place, but this is where we have chosen to be. And we all just hope that no one will show up, and make us go home.

Sometimes I hang out for a while, sometimes I just pop in. When I go home. I have to read a script. But I don’t do it right away. I sit in my room, look out the window. Smoke a cigarette and let the sky cross my mind.

Pete is sleeping on the floor by the closet. Sally is asleep on the chair. It’s cooled down a bit – but it’s still hot. Finally it’s gotten quite. The occasional scooter goes by under my window, the building shakes slightly.

Maybe I’ll take a look at that script. Who’s in it? Nah. I think I’ll just go to bed. I’ll have plenty of time to read in the morning.

CUPLA THINGS

So TJ my cousin came to town- totally surprised me. Just showed up for like 36 hours. It was really awesome. We had so much fun- amazingly my job just happen to give me Friday off (“we have decided to take a half day tomorrow, so you don’t have to come in..”) Awesome. I Love Italy… half days everyday!

So TJ I ate a bunch, rented him a scooter, walked a lot, sweat our asses off, got very drunk and rowdy- stayed out all night on Thursday… it was fun.

He left as quickly as he arrived- pretty classic TJ, but we laughed a lot. I love that kid. He’s a smart funny bastard.

Today I am taking my scripts and going to the pool. I have to read, but I need to be in the water, I can’t take another day of this kind of heat. So I am gonna jump in my suit and go to the pool in a few minutes.

Oh and great news, did any one hear about the terrorist they found in Rome riding a bus? Totally sweet. Really pleased about that.

Fuck.- I know it’s a big tourist town but how bout this- if you want to kill us your not invited. Is that cool?

Anyway- people are a little spooked around here. Little too close to home you know?

Ok fuck this- I have really bad cramps and I’m hot as a motherfucker. So I am going to the pool. Ciao box.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S HOT

I mean hot. I mean like unrelenting oppressively unbearably hot. And with no a/c at home- there is never a time that the heat stops.

Without getting too melodramatic, I’ve quite simply never been this hot this many days in a row. Today was probably 110 degrees- maybe 105 I don’t know. The fans blow hot air, I lye around with ice on my head and take cold showers. I have maybe brief relief… but nothing that lasts. I just never stop sweating.

It’s one thing to be hot- it’s quite another to be this hot for this long. I almost don’t want to say it out loud, but I’m worried about Pete. He’s so hot… I can just tell he’s miserable. I put ice in his water, cool him down with wet towels, put ice in the sink and then put him in it…

But it’s just hot all the time. Even at night. I made the mistake of being outside in the world between 12 and 2pm today- went to lunch. The restaurant had ac so there was a brief glorious respite, but the wall of heat that I walked into after leaving the restaurant… I thought I was standing in front of an ac unit outside… it was like that hot, that intense.

Fuck man.

Let me put it this way- my eyeliner is melted. And it’s been sitting in my bathroom… does that give you an idea of what I am talking about here. I mean. It’s fucking hot.

I hate the hot. Almost as much as I hate the cold. I miss LA weather. Too bad it’s in LA. Fuck.

It's nikkys birthday! Happy birthday girly.

WEATHER

It’s so hot here, that today, as I was sitting directly in front of my fan, which was blowing hot air at me… I actually had to reach back behind the fan and check whether or not the heater behind the fan had been turned on accidentally. It hadn’t. It was just really that hot.

Fucking hell. Makes me miss god old temperate LA.

SPLURGE

I cannot tell you how, after months and months of living without a TV and DVD player- the amazing sense of self I was returned to after I walked into the video rental place and rented two movies. This might be sad to say- but I felt almost human again. It’s just, after 10 years of working in the film biz not being able to rent a fucking movie and veg out was starting to take it’s toll.

Consider that when I lived in LA I had every electronic gizmo known to man. 2 TV’s, tivo, a phone line, a fax line, a fax machine, a cell phone, a computer, an ipod, a palm pilot, an airport, caller id, (fucking hell in my two bed room apt I had FIVE phones… )shit, I had the thing that makes the ipod work in the car… even the fancy car to boot. I mean my shit was consumerized… all the way.

And for the past several months I was feeling so liberated from all of it. From all the fucking cables, And all the energy consumed, and all the bills that went along with them… Just all of it. But after the novelty wore off- it feels good to have a TV. And granted it’s only a 14-incher, and has DVD connected to it… but it’s just about the fucking best TV I’ve ever had!

And so I guess that got my appetite up- so yesterday I went out and bought myself something else I’ve been needing awfully bad. (not an electronic…) But a big pot and two frying pans! Oh man. What bliss it is to cook in proper cooking ware. So simple. So happy.

I guess sometimes you just have to strip down to basics to realize how lucky we are to have the simplest of things.

And then sometimes you have to reward yourself with a few meager purchases to remind you that- you are in fact, an American, after all is said and done.

I know I have 3 scripts to read for work tomorrow (yea, that’s 600 pages) but fucking hell, I might just have to put in a movie first!

UPDATE

So Max left. He had a whole bunch of shit come up that he had to deal with, so he’s gone back to the states… seems like it’s for an indefinite amount of time. Guess it’s a good thing I didn’t give notice on my apartment right?

So it’s too bad that he’s gone- but I will survive. He wasn’t really here long enough for me to get used to him here.

So that’s that. Once again it’ just little old Chase out here in the big Italian unknown all by here self. Awesome!

MEDIA WORLD

So after just the most infuriating week ever, where by it took 2 days to get a repair guy to come look at the broken fridge, he simply stated- “this fridge is broken. It is not worth it to repair it you should buy a new one”.

No shit.

So after an absurd amount of phone calls back and forth with the landlord and the agency guy… I just told them this morning- fuck this, I was going to the store to buy a new fridge and I would deduct all costs from my rent.

So I took a taxi to Media World (italy’s version of best buy or circuit city) and I bought another fan for the kitchen, a top of the line new fridge and fuck it while I was there I got a tv and dvd player! HA!

And the best part is I told the taxi driver to wait while I shopped.

So all I had to do was get the shit, and jump right back in the cab.

So the fridge is being delivered tomorrow- and hopefully tomorrow this time I will be drinking a nice cold beverage in the comfort of my own home.

It’s been a pretty tough week to not have ice or cold beer in the fridge- I mean, with this heat wave and all…

Sometimes you have to take the situation into your own hands. I’m only kicking myself I didn’t do this on Monday…

Beyond that- the TV has presented a furniture dilemma in the room- I had to sacrifice a precious chair to hold the sucker up, and move my desk… and well now the whole balance is off… I’m gonna have to figure it out. This may call for a complete switch around of the room… I’ll let you know. But right now it’s too hot to think about that shit- and I’ve got the new Billy Bob Thorton script to read.

Ciao box.

C

BUT IT'S LIKE, DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?

Fucking real life.

Woke up to a total Monday Morning. Seems like if you live somewhere long enough reality is bound to catch up with you.

First of all my refrigerator crapped out. Just fucking died. Spoiling all of my food, and dripping water from the ice box all over the floor. Arg. That (related or not, I have no idea) may or may have not inspired a large group of Italian Ants from the wall by the front door to decide to migrate over to the cat food. I have never seen an ant in this apartment before… but this morning there were tons. But I remembered having seen ant spray under the sink (never a good sign)- and in fact it was there. So I sprayed the little fuckers source hole from here to kingdom come… and we’ll see if I can’t hold ‘em at the gate as it were… For now- all cat food is in a bowl of water. And I would say no food left out, but being that my fridge doesn’t work… “out” is sort a relative term this morning.

Fucking a. And it’s only 9:15.

Shit. The only thing on my side is that I am suppose to meet my landlord today to pay the rent. Looks like I’m not paying till I get a new refrigerator… ha.

Will keep you posted.

ON THE MEND

Got home on Friday night to a cold. I had been fighting it off all the while I was in Venice but it really took hold Friday night and so I went to bed at about 11pm and slept clear thru till 1pm yesterday. Spent the ENTIRE day in bed and read, slept and watched movies… it was good- because today I feel much better. Thank you mom for sending those medicines once upon a time. They came in awfully handy this weekend.

It is hot here. I mean like really really really hot. Sitting still in the shade with a fan on you and still sweating. The thermometer reads 84 in the shade, but it feels hotter than that. My poor cats. I have been putting ice in their water and wiping them down with a cool cloth... but the poor fuckers are hot and lethargic. Pete spends almost all the time on the sink where the porcelain is cool.

Question- has anyone ever seen an invention of tiles or something like a cat bed that keeps it’s cool? I mean, I have a heating bed- is there such a thing as a cooling bed? I would buy it in an instant if there were such a thing. One for the cats and one for me…

Any way it’s Sunday, and it feels like it.

I woke up feeling much better, an just cleaned the house from top to bottom, am doing laundry, and this afternoon am going to hang out with some friends…

Hope all is well on the home front.

Xoxo

C

VENETIAN DECADENCE

Wow. What a couple of days.

Venice is absolutely breathtaking. I had only been there once before, and that was for about 10 hours, and at night… so this trip was a real treat.

We stayed in a one two three four FIVE star hotel. What a difference that 5th star makes. Our room was a suite and it was really fucking nice. Big ol tub, and a view over the Grande Canal, a balcony… holy mother of god. Let me put it this way, Elton John was staying at our hotel the same time as us…. Capice?

So we indulged in the fanciness of the hotel, and we ate one two three four twelve amazing meals. I mean, course after course of just amazing ridiculous you can’t imagine delicious.

And then we went and looked at art. The whole reason for the trip was to see the biennale. Which is a exhibition of art from all over the world. It happens every two years and it is up from June to November. There are museums all over the city that participate, so to really see it all would take days… but we saw the two large museums, and a few small ones. And then on Friday, Max and Gracy left at noon, and being that I didn’t fly out until 4ish- I stayed in the city and cruised around alone, and saw a few more shows.

Highlights include a chandelier made of tampons (picture coming), an amazing Australian artist named Ricky Swallow, and the Lucian Freud retrospective.

It’s been a long time since I was so decadent and indulged, good food, good art, and great company.

It was a real treat.

It was really nice to see Gracy and Max and Clair and Pam… but I have to say the real highlight of the trip was Friday morning zipping around alone. And that really has nothing to do with them, but just reinforces my suspicions that I am just far better off alone. It made me ponder just how much time I spend alone in general… it’s really pretty incredible.

Some people are just built to share their lives with another person, take my parents for example: the have been married for over 35 years, they work together, they spend their days off together, they take trips together, and if that isn’t enough they even do their errands together. They are a TEAM. It’s so nice. I don’t think I could ever do that. I just like to say later, and take the fuck off alone. I go to sleep alone, wake up alone, eat alone, read alone, write alone, sing alone, dance alone, hell, sometimes I even drink alone. I just like to be by myself. Which is odd, because I am actually one of the most social people I know… humm.

Anyway, fucking hell, sorry, clearly not a complete thought… perhaps I should think things thru before writing…

Anyhow, Venice was really marvelous. I will post pictures in the next day or two...

Wouldn’t have gone without the kindness of Gracy and Max. So a public thank you to my very generous friends…

It was a blast.

Oh and by the way, I am not going to Sardinia the weekend… didn't have anyone to watch the cats. So I came home. Got to be a responsible mommy!

I DON'T USUALLY DO THIS

But I was sent this article by my friend Melissa, And I just had to repost it.

This is how I repond to all of you who would ask... so why aren't you dating a hot italian stud yet?
As reported by Yahoo News - June 24th 2005

ITALIANS 'BRIBE' SONS TO STAY HOME INTO THIER 30'S

ROME (Reuters) - More than 80 percent of Italian men aged between 18 and 30 still live with their parents and a new study says it is because they are "bribed" by mum and dad.

The study found high rent and unemployment might also be among the reasons for so many mamma's boys. However, mostly they stay at home because they are spoilt by doting parents.

"Parents will be willing to trade off some of their consumption to 'bribe' those children who remain at home by offering them higher consumption in exchange for their presence at home," economists who conducted the study said.

The researchers at the University of London and University of California, Berkeley, found that a 10-percent increase in parental income resulted in a 10-percent rise in the proportion of sons living with their parents.

That means if the parents get a pay rise, the grown-up children get to spend the cash, giving them an incentive to stay at home.

The study found that 82 percent of 18- to 30-year-old men in Italy still lived with their parents, compared with 43 percent in the United States. The proportion in France, Britain and Germany was between 45 and 53 percent.

The study, entitled "Why do most young Italian men live with their parents?", was published by the London-based Centre for Economic Policy Research.

HAVING A HANKERING

Been thinking a lot the last few days about Italy vs. Rome. I think I might be ready to live in a different part of the country. I was thinking of spending the fall in the country. Perhaps somewhere a bit more remote, a bit less expensive. And a bit less touristy. Perhaps Tuscany, the Amafi coast, Sardingnia… I don’t know.

I am going to Venice this week for a few days, and I was thinking maybe instead of flying back on Friday as planed, maybe I will take the train back, and take my time, stopping in Pisa, or Lucca or something.

I bet for the same price I pay for my apartment in the center of Rome I could get a fine old place in the middle of nowhere. Where I could write read, and sit with my cats out doors.

I think my main pull is the language, Seems a fucking shame that I have been here for as many months as I have and I still cant speak the fucking language. It’s a joke really. It’s just that my life in Rome consists of English and Irish friends, English speakers at work, reading in English for work, American and other English speaking tourists around every corner…. The truth is, I actually kind of KNOW how to speak, I just don’t get a chance to practice.

And despite what you might have heard, Italians are in fact NOT the friendliest people in the world (or is it just Romans?)… but to make Italian friends, is simply not as easy as it would seem.

At least not for me.

And at least not in this city.

(that being said, I have just recently really taken it to the next level with my Brit friends… I am feeling much more comfortable with them and the crazy chase is starting to surface… and they are starting to understand and enjoy it… it’s kinda great)…

So I don’t know, But I think it’s time to do some exploring.

I know Rome quite well now, and I actually could stay a lot longer. But I’d like to live somewhere a bit cheaper, so I could keep this engine running a bit longer. So who knows.

Perhaps I wont go anywhere. Perhaps I will.

Either way, as most things in my life now, all doors are open, everything is a possibility, and I am ready to accommodate all ideas.

TO MOM AND DAD

As many of you know- or at least those of you who know me well- I’m not a huge fan of taking showers. I mean, I like to be clean, it’s just that with long hair it is such a fuck process. Wash, condition, brush, dry, straighten…urg.

Anyway, there have been more than a few occasions when I would let it go (ahem) quite some time- since I would have last showered. I mean not a long time, like a week-ish or so…

Anyway. My parents hate this about me- when last discussed over dinner when I was home, I believe my father called me “a child, who refuses to grow up” and said something about “picking battles” that are “totally full of shit.”

And. he is right of course, I mean, he’s right about most things concerning me. Even though I don’t give a shit, and, being too lazy to shower is hardly what I would call “picking a battle”, what can I say… what the hell.

Anyway- mom and dad, wanted to let you know that Rome provides me with the kind of environment that is so fucking hot most days, that I ABSOLUTELY IRREFUTABLY HAVE to shower EACH AND EVER DAY. Sometimes twice.

It’s really a fucking hassle. And I hate it. I so clean these I squeak. But… you gotta do what you gotta do. And I thought, you might appreciate knowing.

ITALY IN THE SUMMER

So summer no matter where you live still feels the same. Warm, relaxing, bbq’s days by the pool, the beach. God damn.

Been socializing a lot, getting to know these people I call my friends better and better. And really enjoying Rome in the summer. Spent yesterday by the pool. (Rome hosted the Olympics in 1960, and the remaining Olympic sized pool is totally awesome) So me and my friend Suzie and her fiancé Tony spent the day just sitting around getting sun and swimming and drinking beer and totally having a blast.

I am so bloody tan I fear I am going to look like luggage by the end of the summer, (and I was wearing 45 all day…fucking hot). Actually the heat has cooled down substantially. It’s really not so bad. When I first got back it was brutal, but now it’s kinda fine

Roman Law requires all swimmers to wear a swimming cap while in a public pool. It’s pretty crap if you ask me, especially since every time you dive in the fucking thing comes off. I have a few excellent photos of me in my awesome new swimming cap. Fucking hell. It was just so nice to spend the day lounging with friends, BY A POOL. I swear everything is right in the world when your by a pool.

Even when it’s not. What a bunch of cunts (sorry mom) those fuckers are that bombed London. Fucking wankers. All this madness has of course been making me think about 9/11 and how nuts that was. Did anyone see Ron Livingston’s speech? That dude rules. I guess not ALL politicians are assholes. (And apparently it IS possible to make a speech without reading- ahem, Bush….) I was really impressed by him. It was just so nice to here a politician speak wisely and earnestly and kick a little ass while he did it. Totally awesome.

What else. Shit I don’t know. I thought of things to write all day, and no that I’m here I can’t think of shit. Bullocks.

I am totally starting to swear like a brit. Fucking Suzie. She’s rubbing off on me.

Anyway. Tired as hell. Off to bed.

UNTITLED

The steady calmness of nothing much to do most of time is returning to me. It took a few days, much shorter than last time. It comes on slow, and then it is as if I, just, sort of, tumble… into a sort of self induced laziness. I am not fighting it this time. When I first arrived all those months ago- this life style seemed frivolous and indulgent. Now I understand it is crucial to living a long life. After a few hard months of beating the worker bee mentality out of me, I have come to view these mornings of rest and reading and writing as a delicious treat, that should be savored and enjoyed.

I suppose somewhere deep down I still feel as though all of this is merely an indulgence, a calm before the proverbial storm. My whole life I was taught that there was some importance, even a responsibility to live up to ambition, desire, success. Here in this sleepy Italian city, the world rushes around me and I feel calm, still like a pin standing on end- perfectly balanced. But precarious none the less. Like the slightest pull of temptation- tales of spoils, riches, exotic nights- they could pull me back down to a busy life…

Here I am living the good life, one I have neither earned nor deserve. Still with debt, and running on a financial reserve that doesn’t exist I am seeing how long I can make this odyssey last. Fueled by lazy mornings and hot sticky afternoons in some silly feng-shued office in a fancy part of town talking about movies and waxing knowledgeable. These days are precious. These days are few.

But they are here, and so am I.

IN ALL OF MY THOUGHTS

I never thought I would be welcomed home like I have been. What a surprise. What a delightful fucking surprise.

BACK IN BLACK

So now I am in Rome, it's so awesome to be back, really chill, easy, wild really. Like I just fit right back in. Max is here now, and I think that is gonna be amazing. It’s just so nice to have an old old friend around- and for GOOD! Ha. So awesome. He brought so many DVD’s with him- it’s truly thrilling. We are getting him a bike this week, and gonna get him a temp apt (he is in a hotel right now)… but he is gonna be traveling around a bit, so we probably won't get a place together until September. Which is perfect, because there will be a lot more available then, and that is when my lease is up anyway. So I am thrilled.

Everything just feels as it should right now. What s feeling. I can’t tell you.

Speaking of Max, he surprised me with what he is calling "a belated birthday present"- he is taking me to Venice and Sardinia for 5 days in July. We are meeting his mom and sister (Claire) in Venice for some big Art show thing, and then we are going (maybe) to stay at our friend Melanie's place in Sardinia for the weekend.

I'm sorry- HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THAT???? When did I become a jet setter? I am totally excited. I can't fucking WAIT to go to Venice. It's gonna rock.

So right after that I will come back and start my second round of Italian classes. Which is a good thing, because I can’t remember jack shit for Italian. I ran into my friend Massimo last night, who I only speak Italian with… and it was brutal, he was like- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? I just couldn’t talk… it took so much brain power, but then, even after just a few minutes talking to him, I was better after that- I just haven’t THOUGHT about Italian in so long. Bahhhh.

It's hot like a mother fucker here. Really hot. Like- can't be out in the day around 1-2pm. I am going out to buy a fan today, as the AC in apartment in fact- does not work. Shit. It stays pretty cool in my apartment- but not cool enough you know?

The cats were fine in my absence it seems. They seem just dandy. When it's really hot they just both lye completely sprawled on the floor cuz it is kinda cool. I have to fashion some kind of cooling bed apparatus for them... ever heard of anything like that? Like a heating pad but cold? I carried home about 20 lbs of cat food for them, and holy shit was it worth it- they were so happy to eat it, it was cute. Gobble gobble. Love those little fuckers.

I had an interesting insight about my friends when I got back. I felt for a while before I left that I wasn't so sure how much I trusted all my new friends, and I think I felt somehow suspicious of them and them of me... in a way that I couldn't put my finger on...

but when I got back everyone was so genuinely happy to see me, and my phone starting ringing "I heard your back!!! I missed you" and what I realized was this: This little transient ex-pat community is in fact, just that. Transient. And people come and go so quickly and easily- the people here have become so hardened, because it sucks to become friends with someone and then they leave 6 months later. It's like- hi, how long are you here for? 2 months, fuck off then, can't be bothered. And I think when I came back it was like, Chase, she DOES live here, we can count on here, we can become her friend... you know? I just hadn't though of it like that before. Which made me feel better. Because I thought it was about me for a while. And now I realize it's nothing to do with me personally. It was interesting. And I already feel closer with a few of them. I also decided that the people that I'm not really friends with can go fuck themselves. I am not going to try anymore. Some of them like me, and some don't. I haven't a clue why I was trying so hard before. Maybe it's helps that Max is here, and I feel like- well I have a REAL friend here now, I don't NEED you, like I felt like I needed them before.

Anyway- it’s fucking great to be back. Start work on Monday- kinda excited to get back into- time to renegotiate, want to do a lot more there, really get to work, so hopefully that shit will work out.

I will, of course keep you posted.

Xoxo

C